When someone does something to you, in word or deed, that really bothers you, what should you do?
First, take the time to answer two questions. Was what was done motivated by kindness and not malice? Is there some truth in what was done that you need to take to heart? The New Testament book of James says, “This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20 NASU)
Following James’ advice can help you to take the time to see if there is any need for a conflict. If the answer to both questions is, “Yes”, then there is no need for you to be upset or angry. The person acted in your best interests and committed no sin. You may just need to ask a few questions to get a better understanding of the changes you need to make. If the answer to one or both questions is, “No”, then you will need to approach the person and take steps to resolve the conflict.
Make sure you speak appropriately, don’t make things worse with poorly chosen words. Remember Proverbs 16:24, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb, Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” NASU
In Matthew 18, Jesus provides clear instructions for how his followers should resolve a conflict. You are trying to bring the person to repentance and to restore a good relationship between the two of you and with God. Unfortunately, we often don’t follow this guidance.
Matthew 18:15-17
15 “If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 16 “But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED. 17 “If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. NASU
Verse 15, tells us to go to the other person in private, one to one. You may need to ask another person to pray for you first, but do not go about complaining to other people who can play no constructive role in resolving the conflict. During the one-to-one meeting, you may learn the person had no malice toward you at all, maybe it was a misunderstanding, or maybe the person will apologize for their bad behavior. This meeting can bring a restored relationship without damaging anyone’s reputation. Most conflicts can probably be ended at this point.
If the initial meeting does not resolve the conflict, verse 16 says to bring in one or two other people. These should be mature, godly people that can help resolve the conflict. Verse 17 says it may even be necessary to also present the problem to the church, in hopes that the person will listen to the church.
We, Christians, need to be prepared to get involved in unpleasant situations, so we can help our brothers and sisters solve their conflicts. We must be careful and committed to making accurate judgements. Church members must not expect the minister or other leaders to do all the hard work of conflict resolution. Every Christian needs to be prepared to be a peace maker and not a side taker.